I accidentally burped into my bong.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
