I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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