i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
