WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
