Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i drank out of a bidet.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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