You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
