Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
