cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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