Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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