She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
