Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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