they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
whose ass print is on the piano?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
