You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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