porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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