Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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