you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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