Moan for me like Helen Keller
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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