Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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