Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
