dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
