Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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