Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
