Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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