I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
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Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
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I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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