I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
