She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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