"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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