can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
