I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
