I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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