you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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