Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
