My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
