The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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