Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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