so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
