apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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