Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Are we still banned from the library?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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