You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
