Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
