I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Randomize
