Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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