I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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