I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
