Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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