What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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