Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
