I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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