Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
