My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
