Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
