Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
