I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Everyone says I win the strip club
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
