She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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